godgirl's blog

Flickr: D Sharon Pruitt

Man, there’s just something that I just can’t let go of and I don’t know why.  And yup, it deals with a matter of the heart.  I’ve been praying about it constantly to God and am asking for him to dig up the root so we can cast it away…but it still torments me.

I’m understanding that I am controlling this issue and it’s me that has to keep prying my hands off it.  My knuckles are white from my firm grasp on it…and I keep examining myself to see what it is that makes me think my life is better by holding on to it.

Have you ever had something you just can’t seem to let go of?  It’s painful, emotionally painful.

I also think that the reason why I am holding on to it is because I am pouting that I didn’t get my way.  It’s not fun when you don’t get your way in life. I wish I was one of those people who could just accept that and move on quickly…but I’m not quite there yet.

I am trying to learn how to accept my circumstances and realize they are the best for me.  But, I’m struggling with that I have to admit.

So, I’m throwing myself in God’s arms, as mentioned in the last post, and I’m trying to deal with my situation and not shoving it down. I’m letting it hurt with the hopes that one day I will have a breakthrough and it will be gone.

I have to hold onto God’s words and trust Him in all things. He cares for me and understands where I’m at.  And when I run to him, the pain does numb…

Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)

²⁸“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I get it…but it still hurts.  Do hearts ever mend I wonder?

In his good care,

Cindy

I am still reading Henri J.M. Nouwen’s “The Return of the Prodigal Son” and I had share this insight of his as he gazed at Rembrandt’s “Return of the Prodigal Son” painting immediately below.  It’s about the hands of the father.  Please read on for here are Father Nouwen’s words.

The longer I looked at the “the patriarch,” the clearer it became to me that Rembrandt had done something quite different from letting God pose as the wise old head of the family.  It all began with the hands.  The two are quite different. The father’s left hand touching the son’s shoulders is strong and muscular.  The fingers are spread out and cover a large part of the prodigal son’s shoulder and back. I can see a certain pressure, especially in the thumb. That hand seems not only to touch, but, with its strength, also to hold.  Even though there is a gentleness in the way the father’s left hand touches his son, it is not without a firm grip.

How different is the father’s right hand!  This hand does not hold or grasp. It is refined, soft, and very tender.  The fingers are close to each other and they have an elegant quality. It lies gently upon the son’s shoulder. It wants to cares, to stroke, and to offer consolation and comfort. It is a mother’s hand.

Nouwen points out that our Father is there loving us as both a mother and a father. I found this amazing and when I get down and out, I immediately run into my Father’s hands to feel his firm left hand bringing me closer and his right hand rubbing my back and soothing my soul. When I am caught in his embrace…the only way I get out of it is me letting go. God never wants to let go. It’s us who determines the length of time we stay in our Father’s arms.

It absolutely amazing and safe.  I hope you try it. If so, let me know what the experience was like for you.

Run into your Father’s arms.  It’s there you are going to feel that you are home.

I’ve been watching Joyce Meyer: Enjoying Everyday Life weekdays and she has a saying that I love. She describes her gifting as she’s called to ‘clean the fish.” Meaning – after we become Christians, there’s a whole new transformation that has to come for us to grow more like Him everyday.

I understand that cleaning process right now, as like never before. I mean it’s not enough that we’re entering a new technological age, but we are in the midst of digging ourselves out of a meltdown with our business infrastructure. The Internet was one of the best advances ever, however, with it came the problem that it was offered for free. That free part has hurt businesses like none other in the sense of open platforms. Software, resources, applications that we once paid for – now can be found free, etc. etc. etc.

But, needless to say, this did not in anyway affect Toyota’s problems. The Internet did not cause that. Negligence did.

Anyway…what I am meaning to say is that just about everything we were once comfortable with is changing. Change is now the new constant. And with that comes growth. New acceptance. And Trust.

Which leads to me to the title of this post. A common blog function is upgrades. As new bells and whistles are added or as bugs are fixed to your blog templates, a new upgrade notice appears on your control panel.  When a notice notifies the blogger of an upgrade,  they can either choose to hit button that says “Upgrade Automatically” or “Manual.” The Manual operation allows you to control the upgrade…it doesn’t completely override the system in case you had implemented custom codes. But, I like the auto function. And the last time I upgraded I thought wouldn’t that nice  to have an auto upgrade button in our lives that we could hit to grow more like Christ.  If so, then just like that we would have grown without experiencing much pain and it would be fast. We’d be on to the next level, waiting for a new upgrade to get that set of bugs out.

I want an life auto upgrader!

But, maybe it’s God who has the upgrade buttons. He hits them and to Him we changed automatically. Could it be that it’s just that we don’t see this happening in our timing, but God’s. He’s the master auto upgrader or as Joyce says – “Cleaner of fish.”

Growing in Christ,

Cindy

Dads are the first men Daughters Love

I have a wonderful, loving mother.  I know God blessed me with her to make up for the absence of love from my Dad.  My Dad has been in heaven for eight years now, but the effects of his lack of love toward his little girl has been lifelong  and probably one of the main reasons why I am still not married.

I am coming to better terms with my Father’s relationship and this post is not meant to be about bashing him or dads in general for that matter.  But, I just wanted to speak from my heart and speak from experience to all fathers out there who have little girls in their care. I want to remind them about how important their role is in the life of their daughters.

For you see the world tells us at a very young age that we are to wait for our Prince Charming.  But, even though we learn about our Prince through Disney classics - it is our fathers who embody them for us. They are the first men in our lives who love us – they set the bar for how we should choose our boyfriends and our Prince Charmings.  Dads are so very important to our well-being.  In many ways, they are more valuable in this area than our mothers.

Whenever I am able to give advice to dads who are struggling with teenage girls, I ask them if they have ever taken their daughters on a date.   Every time I hear the same answer – it is no.  I tell them that their daughters need to learn what to expect on a date before they have their first one – this is a lesson every dad can give their daughter. I so wish my dad did that with me.  I wished he cared enough about me and how I let boys/men treat me.  His words to me would have been so helpful, especially when I was such a shy girl.

I am writing this today, because it’s every Valentine’s Day that I remember the two times that he did something for me. The first was when I was in junior high and was sick.  He brought me a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box the day after Valentine’s because they were half off at the drug store.  The second came two decades later.  He actually bought me a couple roses with a little card.

Which do you think meant more to me?  You guessed it.  The card.  I still have it. It is taped to a photo frame containing his picture. That card is priceless to me.  Whenever I feel the most unloved or unlovable or just plain down, I look at the card and remember that my Dad was not able to show me his love. It was his problem and not mine.  But he did tell it to me once with this card. God allowed me to have one memento from the first man in my life.  I do know now after years of therapy that, in his own way, he loved me the best he could.

I could go on and on about Valentine’s Day.  I am not a fan, only because I’m not on a date with someone who thinks I’m terrific.  I really think Valentine’s Day is a holiday that Satan uses mightily.  For those of us single, divorced, widowed, brokenhearted – it’s a day of sadness – if you let it be.  But, God, told me this week – that he has all the love for me that I need.  I am not unloved.  I am not unlovable.  I am His Valentine. I still have my mom who has never forgotten me on Valentine’s.  And I have this card.

Lasting Words from my Father on Valnetine's Day - A Valentine's Day Reminder

So dads do something special with your daughters. Teach them about how they should expect to be treated by the opposite sex.  Take them on one-on-one dates. Make them feel special and be the first man in their lives to give them flowers with a little card on Valentine’s Day.  I guarantee you that they will keep that card the rest of their life just like I’m doing.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

God knows exactly how deep to operate

I have been in pain all week. I’m physically fine – this is an emotional pain that I’m writing about tonight. I certainly feel it, but I couldn’t tell you what it was about until now. I am in surgery. The great physician is cutting deep inside me and rooting out core issues that have caused me pain for as long as I can remember. And, this isn’t a simple surgery for He is going deeper and deeper and going after the root. Although, it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I know it is necessary. In fact, its the best thing that could ever happen to me.

The first surgery happened on Monday and after one day of recuperating, I was back on the table. I guess X-rays (my behavior) must have showed that they didn’t get it all. So on Wednesday, I was back under the knife.

As with any surgery, it takes time to heal. There’s re-hab. There’s medicine to take and you have to slow down your life. You almost never feel the full effects until well after the surgeries have been performed. I tell ya this was no minor surgery. This was definitely open heart surgery and it’s leaving some scars.

Right now I still feel I’m on the table and my guts are spilling out all over. I’m feeling vulnerable. Scared and unsure of my healing. I’m also hoping that he gets it all this time.

But I know in order for anything new to be in my life, I have to get rid of the old. He’s going after hurtful thought patterns I’ve believed that were never from Him. He wants me to see my life as he does – full of hope, fruit and goodness. But, he has to remove all the bad – so I’m going with it.

I’m not left without any morphine. I have the best medicine around for healing for every time I ask him to help me through the pain…he’s right there and takes it away. It only comes back when I forget about him and his promises.

I’ll keep you posted as to my re-hab. I’m letting my body heal at the moment and trying to take better care of myself and letting God fill up that empty hole in my heart. I’m already feeling better, but, boy did it hurt. I’ll let you know when the pain finally lifts.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

I started a new bible study today and our Pastor asked for us to find illustrations of God in our life. So I had one and fired up my new camera.  Had a bit of fun with this. Enjoy.

Right now I am having to trust God like never before.  As my coach, God has been conditioning me to trust him and work the fundamentals.  He has me reading his promises and believing them.  I’m been reciting and meditating on them over and over.  Such things like He will never leave nor forsake me. He will provide a path.  He chose me.  He forgives me.  He wants me to have peace in him. He loves me as his child.

I know the drill.  He’s there. So then why am I so fearful that this one time he won’t come through?  Oh me of little faith!

Talk about crazy. John Hulber of the Netherlands actually built a replica.

I am reading through the bible again this year and as such, I’m now in Genesis and so I am reading about the ark.  Man, God laid everything out for Noah from size, weight, materials and content.  He gave him the exact blueprints on how to build it.  He even gave him the vision for it. All Noah had to do was believe it and follow it.  Trust him. Be obedient.  And I know that’s what God want each of us to do too.  Trust his blueprints in our life.

Take Noah for example, he had no idea, if the world would think he was a crazy, but he didn’t care about the outcome. He did not doubt – but he followed God’s word.

¹² God saw how corrupt the earth had become, for all the people on earth had corrupted their ways. ¹³ So God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth. ¹⁴ So make yourself an ark of cypress  wood; make rooms in it and coat it with pitch inside and out. ¹⁵ This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be 450 feet long, 75 feet wide and 45 feet high.  ¹⁶ Make a roof for it and finish the ark to within 18 inches  of the top. Put a door in the side of the ark and make lower, middle and upper decks. ¹⁷ I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish. ¹⁸ But I will establish my covenant with you, and you will enter the ark—you and your sons and your wife and your sons’ wives with you. ¹⁹ You are to bring into the ark two of all living creatures, male and female, to keep them alive with you. ²⁰ Two of every kind of bird, of every kind of animal and of every kind of creature that moves along the ground will come to you to be kept alive. ²¹ You are to take every kind of food that is to be eaten and store it away as food for you and for them.”

²² Noah did everything just as God commanded him. Gen. 6:12-22

I’m in the same exact position right now. God is laying out for me a path for my life which is contrary to the world’s.  It’s unconventional and so that makes it a bit scary for me at the moment. But, he knows what my blueprint is and to him it’s not scary…it’s beautiful.  It’s what I was made for.  I just need to build his vision and believe.  If I follow his way, even when the floods come, I’ll be sailing above the water not under it.  And there’s no place else I’d rather be.

If this is your prayer too, I will stand with you.  Let’s follow God’s path and share in this adventure that He has created for each one of us.

Is there any barrier we can’t overcome?

This is a praise report today folks.  I finally got victory over something that has “hooked” me for over 20 years, I kid you not.  But, before I go on, I should describe what this “hook” reference is all about.

I have been hearing this word more and more over the last couple of months.  Hooks. Hooks in the Christian world refer to those things that when you are presented (tempted) with them, you behave in a way which just sets you off and causes you to step two steps back. Hooks are your hot buttons.  Hooks are pet peeves.  Hooks are snares that oppress you.  And hooks are subtle and scary for they have the power to cause you to stumble.

Psalm 141:8-10 (New International Version)

⁸ But my eyes are fixed on you, O Sovereign LORD;
in you I take refuge—do not give me over to death.

⁹ Keep me from the snares they have laid for me,
from the traps set by evildoers.

¹⁰ Let the wicked fall into their own nets,
while I pass by in safety.

Every time when I heard someone pray for a hook to stop snaring me I always envisioned myself wearing a fisher person’s vest.  And this vest of mine could get easily hooked.  Just like your favorite sweater gets snags all the time-that’s how this vest appeared to me.  However, today, I felt a particular hook was trying to hook onto my body but it wasn’t able.  My vest was now made out of some type of material that it couldn’t get hooked into.  I totally could visualize a hook trying to rub against me, but it couldn’t hook into me.  I didn’t react. I finally had victory over this issue. Amen! It was an amazing feeling not being hurt by this situation again after being affected by it for so long.  I know Satan wasn’t pleased, but I sure am!

Now, hooks also have several components to them (ala layers of an onion).  I envision these softer hooks to be more like carabiners. I like these hooks, they have many useful functions  and come in several shapes and sizes. Some are even heart shaped.  But nevertheless they still are hooks.

Carabiners are hooks, but are easily removable.

But with carabiners, they don’t dig into you, they latch onto you.   With fishing hooks, they not only pierce your skin, but they travel deep down inside depending on the size. With carabiners, they can’t penetrate you and you have the control to release them. We can pop off them quickly or leave them on. It’s our choice.

I’ve still got a carabiner attached to this issue, but now, I’m able to pop it off as soon as I recognize it.

The morale of this little post is…have patience with your hook(s). If you keep handing it over to the “greatest fisherman” ever created, he’ll be able to take that hook out for you. I never thought I’d get healed from my issue, but 20 years later…its a new story. But don’t try and take the hook out yourself, you’ll do more damage to yourself. God will work it out of you and he knows the right time for it to disappear.

What do the fisher people say?  Any day fishing is better than any day at work! Work on putting on a hook-proof vest.

Best,
Cindy

When I sat down to watch the film Marley & Me for the first time, I had thought it would be a lighthearted comedy about a dog. Didn’t you?  I had no idea that the movie was really about life and the frustrations and hurt that goes along with it.  I mean the film touched it all…the growing pains of marriage, sacrifices, disappointments and the loss of a loved one.  Good thing I watched it at home and not at the movie theater for I wouldn’t have had tissues.

But, then, this morning when I was contemplating my own life and where I am at the current moment this thought popped into my head – when we cut to the chase and at the end of day – don’t all we really have is God.  So life really is about this film project – God & Me.

To further illustrate this point, God is Marley (the dog) in this metaphor.  Like the photo below, I try my best to put God on a leash and direct his path.  However, thank goodness He has my best interests at heart and truly is the one in control of my life.

Who's Directing Your Path?

But, I’m stubborn and want my own way – just like He does.  I get mad when he’s tearing up my life and cleansing me of things that aren’t so good for me.  That hurts.  Or how about when he wanders off and plays with others. That makes me feel alone and devalued.  Yeah life give us bad times, but it also gives the good.

How about those times that He gives you love.  When scared He comforts you.  When He sends a friend or a note or Facebook connection your way.  When the money does come through. When the medical report is positive.  When He takes care of you when unemployed.  When you read His word and just the right scripture is there and soothes your soul.

When was the last time God licked your face?

To be truthfully honest here, my life isn’t how I thought it would be.   But, even though it not what I wanted it to be, I do trust that God knows best.  He has kept me on a short leash (amen!) and for that I am thankful.  I guess I just need to relax my hands a bit more as He guides me through life and not be so quick to choke Him.

For after all life is about God & Me.

“For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17″

A Powerful Force of Love

I have a radical pastor who gets right to the heart of matters.  He’s aware that we’re living in a troubled economy. He gets it that some are barely making their rents.  He knows that the holidays are tough in so many ways. He knows that we experience pain and that life can be tough. But…he also knows that despite what problem the world has created that there is an antidote. This antidote is something we each possess and can call upon at a moment’s notice.  Are you ready to hear it?

The antidote is Love.

Love is the answer. ♥ To love and be loved. Is there anything else that really matters?

It’s the relationships in our life that count.

God kept putting the word tsunami in my pastor’s mind and it wasn’t until recently that he understood what God meant.  God wanted him to challenge his church members to create a groundswell, a tsunami of love.  He challenged us to tell at least five people a day that we loved them.  And its working. You should try it. I can’t tell you how wonderful it has been when around others at church to hear those three little words as I’m walking the campus. I can’t help but stop for a second and smile when I hear it from someone.

Like a tsunami, love is a powerful force.  When was the last time you’ve told your wife or husband that you love them?  How about your mom or dad?  Or that neighbor that watches over your house for you while on vacation?  Or how about your pastor or Sunday school leader?

I totally get what he means that though we are small, we can do all things, especially with the use of social media these days – the tsunami of love can extend beyond our church.  Though we are just a little speck on Google maps, the spark of love from this spot can ripple to the four corners of the earth.  Won’t you join us and spread this tsunami of love this holiday season?

It doesn't take much to let a person know that they matter to you. (Credit: Ronaldo F. Cabuhet/Flickr)

My pastor said something today that saddened me a bit. He stated that if we were one of the mega-churches in our area and we did this it would probably make the news and he’s right.  But, that’s what is so wonderful about God.  God works in amazing, unseen ways and although we are small he is mighty.  For all we need for you is to tell two friends and so on and so on and so on.  So if you are reading this and you’re on Facebook, go ahead and put in your status that you love your friends this holiday season.  Those who choose to be your Facebook friends are people who value you and your input. You matter to them.  Tell them to tell their friends too.  Let’s spread this giant tidal wave for love is the only answer.

Find people to love on and watch the tsumani that comes back.

Be sure to share some of your stories with me okay.  I’d love to hear about whom you love and about those who love you.

I love you.

Cindy