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Man, there’s just something that I just can’t let go of and I don’t know why.  And yup, it deals with a matter of the heart.  I’ve been praying about it constantly to God and am asking for him to dig up the root so we can cast it away…but it still torments me.

I’m understanding that I am controlling this issue and it’s me that has to keep prying my hands off it.  My knuckles are white from my firm grasp on it…and I keep examining myself to see what it is that makes me think my life is better by holding on to it.

Have you ever had something you just can’t seem to let go of?  It’s painful, emotionally painful.

I also think that the reason why I am holding on to it is because I am pouting that I didn’t get my way.  It’s not fun when you don’t get your way in life. I wish I was one of those people who could just accept that and move on quickly…but I’m not quite there yet.

I am trying to learn how to accept my circumstances and realize they are the best for me.  But, I’m struggling with that I have to admit.

So, I’m throwing myself in God’s arms, as mentioned in the last post, and I’m trying to deal with my situation and not shoving it down. I’m letting it hurt with the hopes that one day I will have a breakthrough and it will be gone.

I have to hold onto God’s words and trust Him in all things. He cares for me and understands where I’m at.  And when I run to him, the pain does numb…

Matthew 11:28-30 (New International Version)

²⁸“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

I get it…but it still hurts.  Do hearts ever mend I wonder?

In his good care,

Cindy

I am still reading Henri J.M. Nouwen’s “The Return of the Prodigal Son” and I had share this insight of his as he gazed at Rembrandt’s “Return of the Prodigal Son” painting immediately below.  It’s about the hands of the father.  Please read on for here are Father Nouwen’s words.

The longer I looked at the “the patriarch,” the clearer it became to me that Rembrandt had done something quite different from letting God pose as the wise old head of the family.  It all began with the hands.  The two are quite different. The father’s left hand touching the son’s shoulders is strong and muscular.  The fingers are spread out and cover a large part of the prodigal son’s shoulder and back. I can see a certain pressure, especially in the thumb. That hand seems not only to touch, but, with its strength, also to hold.  Even though there is a gentleness in the way the father’s left hand touches his son, it is not without a firm grip.

How different is the father’s right hand!  This hand does not hold or grasp. It is refined, soft, and very tender.  The fingers are close to each other and they have an elegant quality. It lies gently upon the son’s shoulder. It wants to cares, to stroke, and to offer consolation and comfort. It is a mother’s hand.

Nouwen points out that our Father is there loving us as both a mother and a father. I found this amazing and when I get down and out, I immediately run into my Father’s hands to feel his firm left hand bringing me closer and his right hand rubbing my back and soothing my soul. When I am caught in his embrace…the only way I get out of it is me letting go. God never wants to let go. It’s us who determines the length of time we stay in our Father’s arms.

It absolutely amazing and safe.  I hope you try it. If so, let me know what the experience was like for you.

Run into your Father’s arms.  It’s there you are going to feel that you are home.

I’ve been watching Joyce Meyer: Enjoying Everyday Life weekdays and she has a saying that I love. She describes her gifting as she’s called to ‘clean the fish.” Meaning – after we become Christians, there’s a whole new transformation that has to come for us to grow more like Him everyday.

I understand that cleaning process right now, as like never before. I mean it’s not enough that we’re entering a new technological age, but we are in the midst of digging ourselves out of a meltdown with our business infrastructure. The Internet was one of the best advances ever, however, with it came the problem that it was offered for free. That free part has hurt businesses like none other in the sense of open platforms. Software, resources, applications that we once paid for – now can be found free, etc. etc. etc.

But, needless to say, this did not in anyway affect Toyota’s problems. The Internet did not cause that. Negligence did.

Anyway…what I am meaning to say is that just about everything we were once comfortable with is changing. Change is now the new constant. And with that comes growth. New acceptance. And Trust.

Which leads to me to the title of this post. A common blog function is upgrades. As new bells and whistles are added or as bugs are fixed to your blog templates, a new upgrade notice appears on your control panel.  When a notice notifies the blogger of an upgrade,  they can either choose to hit button that says “Upgrade Automatically” or “Manual.” The Manual operation allows you to control the upgrade…it doesn’t completely override the system in case you had implemented custom codes. But, I like the auto function. And the last time I upgraded I thought wouldn’t that nice  to have an auto upgrade button in our lives that we could hit to grow more like Christ.  If so, then just like that we would have grown without experiencing much pain and it would be fast. We’d be on to the next level, waiting for a new upgrade to get that set of bugs out.

I want an life auto upgrader!

But, maybe it’s God who has the upgrade buttons. He hits them and to Him we changed automatically. Could it be that it’s just that we don’t see this happening in our timing, but God’s. He’s the master auto upgrader or as Joyce says – “Cleaner of fish.”

Growing in Christ,

Cindy

Have you ever seen Rembrandt’s “Return of the Prodigal Son?” God just made me aware of it, thanks to a new bible study we are doing in Sunday School.  It’s absolutely magnificent and speaks to your soul. I have never been moved like this before by observing a painting.  It has so much meaning that I think I will be regularly blogging about it for some time.  But, right now, I just want you to sit still and take it in.  It is based on one of the parables in the Bible.  If you are not aware of this parable, you can read it here in Luke 15: 11-32.

But, here’s the painting. It’s awe inspiring.

This Painting is Mesmerizing

There is so much to say about this painting.  But right now, I want to center on the father.  Do you see how the son feels so safe in his father’s arms.  This image convicted me.  It made me wonder if I would be as loving if someone deeply hurt me.  Sadly, I think my flesh would prevail and I’d turn my back.  But, I yearn to be so loving.

Also, look at the son’s state. Do you see how his shoes are tattered.  How his head is shaved like a slave. How comfortable he feels in his dad’s arms.  Do you realize our Father is there the same way for us. We can feel so emotionally tattered and He’s there with open arms to comfort and love us and not ask any questions.

Isn’t this painting amazing?

God Bless.

A Prodigal Daughter

Dads are the first men Daughters Love

I have a wonderful, loving mother.  I know God blessed me with her to make up for the absence of love from my Dad.  My Dad has been in heaven for eight years now, but the effects of his lack of love toward his little girl has been lifelong  and probably one of the main reasons why I am still not married.

I am coming to better terms with my Father’s relationship and this post is not meant to be about bashing him or dads in general for that matter.  But, I just wanted to speak from my heart and speak from experience to all fathers out there who have little girls in their care. I want to remind them about how important their role is in the life of their daughters.

For you see the world tells us at a very young age that we are to wait for our Prince Charming.  But, even though we learn about our Prince through Disney classics - it is our fathers who embody them for us. They are the first men in our lives who love us – they set the bar for how we should choose our boyfriends and our Prince Charmings.  Dads are so very important to our well-being.  In many ways, they are more valuable in this area than our mothers.

Whenever I am able to give advice to dads who are struggling with teenage girls, I ask them if they have ever taken their daughters on a date.   Every time I hear the same answer – it is no.  I tell them that their daughters need to learn what to expect on a date before they have their first one – this is a lesson every dad can give their daughter. I so wish my dad did that with me.  I wished he cared enough about me and how I let boys/men treat me.  His words to me would have been so helpful, especially when I was such a shy girl.

I am writing this today, because it’s every Valentine’s Day that I remember the two times that he did something for me. The first was when I was in junior high and was sick.  He brought me a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box the day after Valentine’s because they were half off at the drug store.  The second came two decades later.  He actually bought me a couple roses with a little card.

Which do you think meant more to me?  You guessed it.  The card.  I still have it. It is taped to a photo frame containing his picture. That card is priceless to me.  Whenever I feel the most unloved or unlovable or just plain down, I look at the card and remember that my Dad was not able to show me his love. It was his problem and not mine.  But he did tell it to me once with this card. God allowed me to have one memento from the first man in my life.  I do know now after years of therapy that, in his own way, he loved me the best he could.

I could go on and on about Valentine’s Day.  I am not a fan, only because I’m not on a date with someone who thinks I’m terrific.  I really think Valentine’s Day is a holiday that Satan uses mightily.  For those of us single, divorced, widowed, brokenhearted – it’s a day of sadness – if you let it be.  But, God, told me this week – that he has all the love for me that I need.  I am not unloved.  I am not unlovable.  I am His Valentine. I still have my mom who has never forgotten me on Valentine’s.  And I have this card.

Lasting Words from my Father on Valnetine's Day - A Valentine's Day Reminder

So dads do something special with your daughters. Teach them about how they should expect to be treated by the opposite sex.  Take them on one-on-one dates. Make them feel special and be the first man in their lives to give them flowers with a little card on Valentine’s Day.  I guarantee you that they will keep that card the rest of their life just like I’m doing.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

This Field is Taking A Rest Before it Produces Again.

God gave me a good word today out of a place I’d never expect it – Leviticus 25. I mean I usually skim through this book because it’s full of procedures for atoning, but He gave me a gem for those of us who are in “transition” – which is the politically correct word nowadays for unemployment.

The LORD said to Moses on Mount Sinai, ²³ For six years sow your fields, and for six years prune your vineyards and gather their crops. ⁴ But in the seventh year the land is to have a sabbath of rest, a sabbath to the LORD. Do not sow your fields or prune your vineyards. ⁵ Do not reap what grows of itself or harvest the grapes of your untended vines. The land is to have a year of rest. ⁶ Whatever the land yields during the sabbath year will be food for you—for yourself, your manservant and maidservant, and the hired worker and temporary resident who live among you, ⁷ as well as for your livestock and the wild animals in your land. Whatever the land produces may be eaten. “Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you enter the land I am going to give you, the land itself must observe a sabbath to the LORD.

My devotional today asked me this question – Do I have the faith to do what God required of Israel?  In essence, do I have faith to place my source of livelihood completely in God’s hands?

So if God have given me two decades of work – and now – is giving me a year of sabbatical rest – can I trust him in that?  I know it’s God will for me to be without study employment at the moment, but I never saw it as truly a gift from him of rest. For me to get my soil rich again – to give it a breather so it can gain nutrients that have been depleted over the years.  He’s ordained this.  He wants me to rest. Rest in him. Trust him.

So if you are in transition…why not say the correct word – you are on Sabbatical. A God appointed Sabbatical. See it as a gift from God and that He knows exactly what you need to get the proper nourishment.  This was never more clearer to me than last week when my back collapsed on me.  That injury caused me to stop my world for a time and forced me to rest in him.  He keeps saying to me “rest, my child” just rest.  How come that is the hardest thing for me to do?

May you find peace, comfort and rest in whatever year you are in whether on a sabbatical or working during this period.  If working, look ahead – a sabbatical will be coming.

God Bless!

Go ahead and Say No

I am just learning that it’s OK to say no.  That is if that is what you are hearing from God.  I’ve always thought, especially when someone needed help and especially when my church had a request that I had to say yes.  But, I’m learning that it is not necessarily the right thing to do.  Often No is the appropriate answer, even if it kills you to say it.

I mean if someone in your family always requests money and you have it to give to them – should you give it? Or should you help them by saying this time you need to take care of your issue and try and get a job?

Or if you don’t feel that you have time for something and you add it to your schedule anyway-should you?

Or in my case, I am on a quest to land a job and although I have more free time than usual, is it the best use of my time to volunteer as I see fit?  That answer is No.  I’m learning that if I don’t take care of my issues – then no one will.  And they are my issues and I don’t want to make them anyone else’s.

I am trying to follow God’s path for me right now and obeying even if it means I do less at church which feels so foreign to me.  But right now he wants me to train and learn – so that’s what I am doing.  In doing so, I have to say “no” to many things and that’s new to me.  I test everything in prayer and often I get a resounding feeling in my soul that it’s the right thing. When I don’t hear a definite no or yes from him, then I error on the side of  “no” not yes.  It seems to be working well.

So go ahead and say no and remember rejection isn’t anything more than direction.  No has many positive consequences, especially when we say No to temptation.  No has power to overcome hurtful behaviors. It really should be thought of as a positive word and action don’t you think?

Jesus said no many times.  He said no to the devil three times when tempted. He said no one can come through the Father except through him.  We must though never waiver in our decision for as Jesus said – it’s so on point….

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matt 5:37

Would you have said yes or no to the apple?

The Israelites Were Seldom Content

In reading through the bible in the year plan that I am on – I got convicted today Big Time.  I’m in Exodus 16 and I’m walking along the Israelites and reading about their problems.  They keep telling their leader, Moses, that they are not happy with his leadership which has been directed by God.  Everywhere they turn they forget about his past huge miracle, the parting of the Red Sea, and all they do is whine about is their lack of food, water and protection. Waaa. Waaa. Waaa.  I’d be complaining too.

But it was this one line that really convicted me – it was Moses’ wise answer to their complaints for meat with their potatoes.

…the Lord has heard all your complaints against him.  What have we done?  Yes, your complaints are against the Lord, not against us.  v 8

So my take away this morning was that all of my complaints really are not against a person, place or thing – they are really against God and my lack of faith that he doesn’t know what is best for me. For example, when I get upset when the lines are too long in the grocery store or when I can’t find a parking spot, my complaint really is against God for not making my life easier.  When in fact, he may want me to wait to minister to someone in the grocery line, or may want me to not to be in harm’s way in the parking lot.  It all is for his good.

The thing I complain about the most is my singleness.  What I am really doing is verbally saying that I am not happy with how God is leading my life.

I need to stop complaining. How about you? In our church service today we recited the Serenity prayer and it was a longer version than I am accustom.  But, it’s right on target and I’m going to leave you with these words.

THE SERENITY PRAYER

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

–Reinhold Niebuhr

What do we really need to complain to God about? His lack of love for us-no He loves unconditionally and most likely more than we love our ourselves?

Do you have any complaints?

God can help us get through any storm.

A friend sent me a timely devotion today about how God constantly comes to our rescue. He’s done it since the creation of Adam and He’s still at it today.  I don’t know about you, but I’m daily finding myself in some sort of situation where I need a helping hand to make it through.

I guess it’s the images I’m seeing coming from Haiti that bring it front and center for me.  I mean, if you think about it, everyone who has survived the earthquake in Port-au-Prince has needed someone to help them. They’ve either had a hand pull them out of the rubble or someone hand them water.  But, it’s not just the Haitians that need rescuing, it is each of us.

God is there to rescue us all. He gives us his full attention and is the first to extend his hand for he knows we need his help before we do.  But, often, he’s not called upon or in my case I doubt that He can do anything.  But every time I call out, He’s right there letting me know that I’m not alone in this world.

Do you need rescuing? I’ve got some good news for you.  There’s help for you right this minute.  There’s peace during this storm.  Cast your cares upon him.  Your burdens are light to Him.

It’s Jesus to the rescue.

Isaiah 46:4 (New International Version)

⁴ Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

God knows exactly how deep to operate

I have been in pain all week. I’m physically fine – this is an emotional pain that I’m writing about tonight. I certainly feel it, but I couldn’t tell you what it was about until now. I am in surgery. The great physician is cutting deep inside me and rooting out core issues that have caused me pain for as long as I can remember. And, this isn’t a simple surgery for He is going deeper and deeper and going after the root. Although, it is the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I know it is necessary. In fact, its the best thing that could ever happen to me.

The first surgery happened on Monday and after one day of recuperating, I was back on the table. I guess X-rays (my behavior) must have showed that they didn’t get it all. So on Wednesday, I was back under the knife.

As with any surgery, it takes time to heal. There’s re-hab. There’s medicine to take and you have to slow down your life. You almost never feel the full effects until well after the surgeries have been performed. I tell ya this was no minor surgery. This was definitely open heart surgery and it’s leaving some scars.

Right now I still feel I’m on the table and my guts are spilling out all over. I’m feeling vulnerable. Scared and unsure of my healing. I’m also hoping that he gets it all this time.

But I know in order for anything new to be in my life, I have to get rid of the old. He’s going after hurtful thought patterns I’ve believed that were never from Him. He wants me to see my life as he does – full of hope, fruit and goodness. But, he has to remove all the bad – so I’m going with it.

I’m not left without any morphine. I have the best medicine around for healing for every time I ask him to help me through the pain…he’s right there and takes it away. It only comes back when I forget about him and his promises.

I’ll keep you posted as to my re-hab. I’m letting my body heal at the moment and trying to take better care of myself and letting God fill up that empty hole in my heart. I’m already feeling better, but, boy did it hurt. I’ll let you know when the pain finally lifts.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (New International Version)

¹⁷Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!